"Don't care about all the pain in front of me, 'coz I'm just trying to be happy"
- Happy, Leona Lewis
I simply cannot hide how happy and "high" I am after that unexpected phone call from someone very special to me almost seven hours ago. I'm really really kilig as I write this entry...the kind of kilig that for years I haven't experienced. Don't get me wrong since I have my own share of kilig moments but I can say the phone call gave me a kind of kilig-to-the-bones moment that I haven't felt for the longest time...from him.
The call suddenly reminds me of the simple, touching, and kilig moments that I used to have because of him...the phone conversations that we had for hours, staying up until 12 midnight just to call and greet me on my special day, calling our house past 10pm to check if I'm already home since I'm not replying to any of his text messages, and yes, talking to me over the phone just to ask me if I'm feeling jealous. Lol. All these faded into thin air as days, months, and years passed by.
Our communication line was cut earlier last year and was restored after some months...only it became frequent. Still, I'm happy with the set-up of our once in a blue moon conversations. Yes, my heart jump with glee everytime he'd pm. Moreso when I got a text message from him which happened once in a century now (exaggeration I know!) after what happened last year.
Anyway, just though of sharing how happy I am today...really. I want to tell people how, despite of all the things that happened and regardless of being a big fat jerk that he is, he still makes me happy and kilig. He's the only person who can make me feel inis and kilig at the same time. He remains very special to me even if I am fully aware that I should not treat or feel that way for him. I guess it's love for me...for the close friends that I have and knew all about this, I have no doubt that they call it---not martyrdom- but plain STUPIDITY. I cannot blame them if that's what they think because it's true.
I'm in pain several times because of him but I'm not blaming him solely because of this feeling. It's me---I think 98%---who causes my own hurt and even depression. It's me who wants to still talk to him and have our communication lines open not for anything else anymore (believe me, I've long accepted this fact) but just to keep the friendship that we had over the years. Yes, I'm still in love and even head-over-heels with him but honestly, I'm no longer hoping that I'll have a happy ending with him...I just want to preserve whatever good memories we have... and let me stress keep the friendship, that's it! Sure I still feel jealous and keeps on stalking him online but I'm really sincere with what I said even if it seems doubtful. Though I really stopped hoping and expecting from him that doesn't mean I stop loving him. I still do and I always will.
To you, who know you are: thank you... for your time, stories, concern, and for bringing joy and even causing me pain. I'm really grateful knowing you.
|Polar bear and giffie :)|